临窗集

2月19日，雨水。感冒未愈，脑袋分外沉重。长沙果不其然是个阴天，耳机里的Gloomy Sunday很应景。拖着箱子随人流步走车站，听到乘警执喇叭不停斥退围在出站口的人群。在这种时候，长沙话听起来总是那样凶恶而霸道，充满力量感和攻击性。挤出人群，凑上来的出租车司机嚼着槟榔问我要去哪儿。中南工大，我说。对方报出一个比打表高出10元的数字，还说要再搭一个人。我摇摇头走开，心里奇怪自己难道就长得那么像个人尽可欺的凯子。走向新建的出租车搭乘点，耐心的排着队，看前面的两个警察奔前忙后的指挥一辆辆出租车鱼贯而入，记下车牌，再分派一组乘车人。他们其中之一是如此投入于这件差使，那样认真，表情急切，而另一个却如此的置身事外，手持一面耷拉在杆上、脏兮兮的红旗，木然的站在自己同行的身后，眼睛聚焦于火车站方向的无限远。

这将是我在这儿的最后一个学期。从火车极为缓慢的滑入市区开始，我试着保持尽量客观而审慎的态度来感受这个城市。在冬天，这里潮，冷，少见晴日，阴沉多雨。高楼的外墙有年久雨水浸蚀的痕迹，广告牌上总挂着层灰土，黯淡无光，使得城市显得缺乏生气。道路通常狭窄，随着地面高低起伏，两侧总有鳞栉的店铺，同样门面窄小。总体来说，这座城市的地理特征很让人压抑。3.5年来我一直试图习惯于此，最后总是徒劳。不知最后的这几个月会不会有所改观。

有时我想，我在这里结识了许多朋友。他们每个人都值得我写些什么。我在心里惦记着这件事情。可我却又怕提起笔时，他们的形象就在笔下和心中定格。你知道，写传记如同照相一样，会吸走一个人的灵魂。我要你们都有完整而安宁的灵魂。我们曾在这里，我们正在这里，我们将不能在这里，相见。

回到学校，书还是老样子堆在那里。翻开最顶端纸色泛黄的新概念第四册，找到了传说中的How To Grow Old:

Some old people are oppressed by the fear of death. In the young there is a justification for this feeling. Young men who have reason to fear that they will be killed in battle may justifiably feel bitter in the thought that they have cheated of the best things that life has to offer. But in an old man who has known human joys and sorrows, and has achieved whatever work it was in him to do, the fear of death is somewhat abject and ignoble. The best way to overcome it — so at least it seems to me — is to make your interests gradually wider and more impersonal, until bit by bit the walls of the ego recede, and your life becomes increasingly merged in the universal life. An individual human existence should be like a river — small at first, narrowly contained within its banks, and rushing passionately past boulders and over waterfalls. Gradually the river grows wider, the banks recede, the waters flow more quietly, and in the end, without any visible break, they become merged in the sea, and painlessly lose their individual being. The man who, in old age, can see his life in this way, will not suffer from the fear of death, since the things he cares for will continue. And if, with the decay of vitality, weariness increases, the thought of rest will be not unwelcome. I should wish to die while still at work, knowing that others will carry on what I can no longer do, and content in the thought that what was possible has been done.

BERTRAND RUSSELL How to grow old from Portraits from Memory

如果我的生命也是一条河流，那在地图上它恐怕得以虚线标示。

理论上我也是个要毕业的人了，可我一直没有进入角色的兴趣。望着手中的毕设题目——唤作Tarzan分析与匿名通信协议——我很希望明天就把它做出来，然后大伙痛快搓一顿，卷上行李该干啥干啥去。人猿泰山与匿名通信有什么关系，我实在是缺乏相应的幽默感与好奇心 。

夏天快来吧。

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自习室三楼走廊临窗发呆有感（正常版）

一抹青山淡，数丛绿草新。
和风抚云散，细雨洗纤尘。
屈指思流年，侧耳忆梵音。
不谙春意渐，枉守平常心。

（打油版）

一坨青山淡，两根绿草新。
美眉撑伞过，ＧＧ望出神。
春日麓山侧，野鬼复孤魂。
眼瞅毕业了，还是一个人。

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喜欢Metallica and/or Beatles的同学们，你们一定要听听这个（盗链，不保证有效，您可以发信给我索取）。严重感谢half yoyo。